July 28, 2019 - It's just Right. Over. There.

I’m sitting here on a bench in my front yard. It’s a bench I’ve had a while, but it once sat bare, plain and black, and is now adorned with a sea foam cushion. It also used to sit on my entry way path and now sits under a tree. It’s very early in the morning, and I just saw the girl carrying her dog walk by again, though I haven’t seen her walk by in almost 4 years. Yet she looks the same, as did her dog. Both a little fuller in spunk, but immediately recognizable. His car is parked exactly where it was always parked right outside our gate. Situated just so to be seen from his front window. I also just saw the triplets go by. They live 4 doors down, they’ve always lived 4 doors down. But I haven’t. I moved away from this very house 3 and a half years ago. But this week I moved back. And everything has changed, yet absolutely nothing has changed. I wonder if they see me sitting on my bench and say to themselves, “there’s that woman, a little thinner than she was, but I haven’t seen her in a while”.

I’m very thoughtful as I sit on this bench early this morning. If only you could fully be in my head instead of only seeing these few words that will spill over onto this screen. There’s a chaotic swirl of thoughts, almost haphazard in their formation. All a result of several months of navigation of high pace demands both at work and at home, but more recently my being served up a gumbo of life all in a few short days. I’ve learned in life through various circumstances that there is physical exhaustion, there is mental exhaustion, and then there is emotional exhaustion. I know you, too, have experienced each. And when all 3 come on you all at once, you find yourself not knowing up from down at times. But unfortunately, life doesn’t seem to give you a “leave of absence” or even a courtesy nod, and you find yourself trying to figure out exactly how to go about getting yourself out from underneath the layered tripod above you. Forget about getting back on top, you’d settle for a simple, half-way there.  So I am digging myself back to half-way there. And you can almost see it. It’s just Right. Over. There.

What I find so frustrating in this process is it happened so quickly and felt so out of my control. It truly was the perfect storm where I almost felt “set up” by life. It’s as if Work called up Home and had a conference call and said if you do this, and I do this, and then my Social Sphere called in via webex and said “I’m game”, and they all concocted this perfect strategic brainstorming session while I had stepped away for 3 minutes to the water cooler. When I arrived back nothing looked like it had when I left and everything was amuck and suddenly due in 3 hours!

What’s ridiculous is I actually consider myself quite successful at self-care and self-protection. I’ve focused the last 2 years on learning to say no to the things that aren’t service to others or are harmful for myself. (You have to be careful with the concept of learning to say no. It isn’t an all or none thing, I think people take often that “mantra” too far left or too far right. Sometimes we should  in fact put others before ourselves, sometimes work is supposed to be difficult and stressful, that is why it is called work and not a hobby, so carefully evaluate when it is right to say no and when it is not). I have successfully learned to institute boundaries and hold people accountable for actions and remove manipulators from my life. I plan my calendar carefully to avoid over tasking at home and I work hard to avoid “the American way of life” pit falls. Yet with all of these self-care actions in place, the perfect storm still brewed itself the most bitter of coffees and plopped itself right down into my “Calm” cup. So therefore I ask myself……this must have been out of my control and therefore what exactly am I to glean from this moment?

I’m reminded we are to be still even in the roughest of seas.

Psalm 46:10. Be still and know that I am God.

When Life comes at you fast, God has not abandoned you. Often in the midst of chaos, (particularly if you are a planner and problem solver like me) you immediately start looking for your way out. You start planning for the solution and trying to manipulate the situation to your outcome as you see fit. We can’t stand the uncomfortable. We can’t fathom 10 days of frustration. We are an inpatient being of disgrace in that way. Heaven forbid we sit in a moment of discontent for a second longer that we see suitable. We walk to the mailbox and complain the entire way back about the heat for example. To. The. Mailbox. But imagine an hour long meeting that cramped our style and made us stay late after work. One day after work. One day. Are we catching our drift? But now we are pushing a week of heavy demands. Ok that is getting more uncomfortable. Let’s ask ourselves. What should we just learn to better tolerate (the mailbox, the hour long meeting?) and what should we start asking ourselves do we need better boundaries…(months of working after hours?). Each of those will be different for each person, but I do think we all have to ask ourselves 1) are we over complainers and rather high maintenance in any given situation, 2) are we people who allow life to happen to us because we don’t set suitable boundaries, 3) or is this given moment a situation where life is happening outside of our control and we are supposed to be here in this very moment and we need to look for something to take from it?

Have we ever thought that maybe there is intent in our discomfort? Purpose in our frustration? How many new problems do we end up creating simply by trying to solve just one? We don’t have to solve every single issue that lands on our doorstep.  Have you ever considered that the uncomfortable person in that staff meeting just may be the person that changes your life a few months down the road? Have you ever thought there is maybe a little reforming intended in our heartbreak? Are you out there trying to solve every single issue that lands on your child’s plate? Maybe God needs your child to squirm a little to draw her closer to him. Maybe God needs your child to squirm a little to draw YOU closer to him. Maybe, just maybe God needs you to just sit still for a moment.

Be still and know that he is God.

Today as I am navigating some muck that somehow landed on my doorstep this past month. Some muck that I think was outside of my control. I am being so very careful to pull back and see what is Sally’s to solve, and where does Sally need to squirm a little bit and trust for God to do what God promises to do. His promises are just as true in the muck as they are in clearest of day. And I’m claiming his promises as a reminder that God will do just as he said he will do. I’m sitting in the uncomfortable for a bit. I am even in the most recent of days, sitting in the trauma for a little bit. Trust me, I am figuring it out as I go, so I do not by any means have this all figured out, but I do know his promises and know that those I can trust.

Mathew 11:28 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 

We don’t have to wait for God to do what he says he will do. He’s already done it. His promises are there to be claimed and grabbed hold of and incorporated into our lives. “I will give you rest”.

I wonder how often we sit around waiting for something that God has already done. I often think we as a human race are too busy, too disconnected, too self-focused, that we don’t even see what God has already done for us. Mainly I think we spend most of our lives not walking with God, with him not as a center focus, and therefore how in the world can we see his promises and what is has already laid down for us? His promise is already laid out for us there in Matthew. If we would connect ourselves to him as the center of life, he doesn’t say we won’t have burdens, he actually implies in that verse that burdens will exist, but he promises rest will come. Even as I type these words out on this screen, my heart is rolling around in a moment of rest. Let’s read that again.

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 

Are you, like me this week, spending your day so task driven and up to your eyeballs in moving boxes and work tasks, and dragging your children from here to there, and grocery shopping, and finding a spot for your socks that used to go in this drawer, but that drawer doesn’t exist anymore…..and instead not taking 10 minutes to connect with God? In 10 minutes of finding that verse, my heart started to unclench in its panic and soften in its rest. We are too busy NOT to claim his promises in our day.

Or do you have something deeper? Are you sinking in a diagnosis that seems impossible? Are you facing something that feels like there is no way out? Have you just lost your everything and you don’t know if there will ever be an up again?  Do you have a prodigal son who has lost his way? Do you have a lost trust? Do you feel abandoned? There is a promise for that too.

Life is going to come at us fast. Often outside of our control. And it’s at those moments that we need his word hidden in our hearts to pull out at a moment’s notice. Just 2 days ago, a dear friend lost her husband in a tragic suicidal moment. Then another friend lost her son, daughter, and unborn child in a car accident on the way to delivery their baby, another lost a brother unexpectedly, after soon another tragically lost a new husband to cancer. This week has been a week of loss. And this week has thrown me back into my own loss as I have attempted to loved on those around me while navigating chaos in exhaustion. It only takes a split second for your world to be upside down with tasks, or for your world to be upside down in a way you will never imagine. Surround yourself with people who encourage you to equip yourself. And surround yourself with God’s word well before you find yourself needing it in a way you never thought imaginable. I hope you flood my inbox with verses you know and love. You never know who else just may need exactly what you write.

Maybe you will find your hope in one of these promises as I came across them this morning out on my lopsided bench. This bench is restoring me in more ways than one, providing a familiar place to bring me and my soul back home.

Isaiah 40:31 - But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary.

Romans 8:28 - And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Psalm 16:8 - I have set the LORD always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.

Romans 8:25 - But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

Psalm 119:50 - This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life.

Psalm 130:5 - I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope.

Mark 10:27 - Jesus looked at them and said, with man it is impossible, but not with God. For all things are possible with God.

Psalm 27:14 - Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

1 Peter 5:7 - Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

Romans 15:13 -  May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Romans 5:3-4 - Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.



You can access previous posts HERE.

March 7, 2019 - The whole creation has been groaning

Romans 8:22   “We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.”

Less than 48 hours ago I was sitting in the middle of the living room floor. This is how we do dinner. Plates on the coffee table in front of us, legs crossed on the rug, cat somewhere nearby trying to get a swipe at something from the plate. We’ve done this our entire marriage and it is one of the most comfortable places, emotionally, I know of. When we are traveling, I crave to get back to this place. It’s our familiar routine. It’s our time of togetherness where we eat, almost in silence, while we watch our 1 hour of television and virtually unpack our work day. Cooking relaxes me and tonight was no different as I carried our plates to our nook and climbed down into the floor to begin the “unpacking”. As I sit, and eat, and shoo away the cat on occasion, I literally can feel the tension slide out of my body as I sit on the left, Ron on the right and someone else’s life plays out in front of me. Yet tonight, as we were watching one of our favorite shows, things took a sudden and drastic turn.  

There on the screen ahead of me, mid-bite on my end, without any notice whatsoever (as screen writers so very much like to do), there she suddenly lay, on the pavement beside her car, no longer talking, lifeless from the bullet…..and immediately, I couldn’t breathe. I mean, literally, it was as if my rib cage no longer knew what it was supposed to do anymore and all I could find was a millimeter of movement and the result was shallow breaths, rapid heart rate, and an emotional ache that was indescribable.

In under 5 seconds I morphed from the most comfortable place in my home to feeling as though a tanker truck was sitting on my chest with tears flowing down my face and words unable to come out of my mouth…all because our body is vulnerable. This isn’t the first time this has happened. It’s like the third. And I feel like a pro now.

Two years have passed by since Andy’s death and yet our suffering remains real. I know this to be true because without any sign of it coming, it smacks me in the face on a random evening while eating dinner. Our pain is tangible. I know this to be true because it lingers for hours on end with physical ramifications after it surfaces and carries a weight that is measurable and evident to those around me. Our ache is just under the surface. I know this to be true because it slips out from under my skin and you can’t hold it back once it starts its ruthless escape. On any given day I see none of this. But here, given just the right circumstances and environment, the roots take hold and grief sprouts its head in bloom.

I shouldn’t be all that surprised. It’s been a week surrounded in people experiencing loss. I’m rather flooded in it actually, and when others feel loss, I find myself feeling their every ache all the deeper now. But even without that surrounding, I know this 10 second story line would have produced the same physical response as the similarities were too exact. And our bodies are what they are. Trauma exposes itself. But what I know is that our experiences and responses hold no shame. For Romans 8:22 reminds us that we live in a world of circumstance, and circumstance that inflicts grief, suffering, ache, and pain…and that pain will be excruciating. We aren’t people that have to hold it all together. We don’t have to be stoic. We don’t have to sail through in perfection. We aren’t perfect and we shouldn’t claim to be. We said excruciating pain. Therefore we need to understand that it is ok to not be ok. The only thing we HAVE to be is present.

But in that reminder that there will be pain, a groan-causing pain, in the very same chapter of Romans we are reminded of the promises of God’s glory. God always provides the faith outcome when he brings to light the challenge.

“²³Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. ²⁴ For in this hope we were saved. “

As I gathered up the dishes and headed back towards the bedroom to reclaim myself, I reminded myself that in our pain we see a God of Hope. My groaning ache is a physical response to a feeling of loss. But oh what Joy is found in the promises of Hope. All of creation is eagerly awaiting that moment when loss is no more. When we stand reunited with God the Father and all is restored. Death and loss has nothing over us when we know what is coming. I still suffer. I still pain, with loud excruciating groans at times. I still ache as tears stream down my precious face. But oh, the hope of knowing of his promises and the Joy I find in the day to day blessings - even in tragic unimaginable loss.

Christ is still pursuing me even in and through Andy’s death. He longs for me to see his promises. He longs for me to cry out to him in my grief, and with no shame. He longs for me to see his eternal pursuit of me and his love in and through circumstance.

Romans 8 declares this: “³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[k] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

I’m no longer shocked or caught off guard by the physical reactions. I know how to navigate them. Ron almost sees them before I do. I’m always going to grieve Andy with heartbreaking emotion. We will always experience wretched pain on this side of eternity. “The whole of creation is groaning” with loss, with ache, with pain…with hunger for restoration. Our only chance is embracing and clinging to the Hope that Christ promises and delivers. There’s no shame in what you are experiencing. There is no timeline. But find that Hope. God is pursuing you relentlessly. There is no greater love and there is no greater rescue. And there is no greater place for you to place  your grief.

You can access previous posts HERE.

December 13, 2018 - What if...

It has been a remarkable lesson in listening to God’s timing. You may call it coincidence. But I simply can’t find anything at all in that. Random bodies happening on each other at elevators just because. How is any single thing in life served in that? But think of all the hope and meaning found and served in purposeful timing. What if for a single moment we took time to actually be in the very moment we were actually in. Headphones out, eyes open, walking forward with head up, listening for a single moment to what is going on around you for an opportunity to engage in something meaningful. What if you walked up to a counter with the sole purpose on engaging with the person on the other side of the 2 foot expanse? What if we did this every single day?

I first need to tell you that very recently I did the very opposite. Very soon after my grocery encounter with Lead Plastic Surgeon (see 2 posts ago) I went out for a full day of errands. My first stop was at a local home store where I was seeking out a specific gift. I came across a lady in the store whom I knew from my past, but I definitely couldn’t place. Admittedly, and maybe because of the recent surgeon encounter but more so because I couldn’t quite place her and I was skittish in that, I went about my shopping with no attempt to figure things out further. Mission accomplished, item purchased. Head to the car, and I drove to the big box store on my list several blocks away. Park my car, walk inside, grab a cart, and make my way to the household section where I find exactly what I need in what feels like record time. Mental high-five and I reached down to put it in my cart then I look up and there coming towards me pushing a cart full of poinsettias was the exact same Lady in the Christmas Red Jacket from the previous store. I literally startled in the moment, grabbed my cart and bolted in the other direction, then parked myself two aisles over for a moment thinking “Ok God. I know this is crazy that we would both be in the same store a SECOND time, but you and your timing are evident, however I simply can’t do the ‘hey, don’t I know you from somewhere?’ right now because I was still shaken up a little from the previous encounter.”  Even though it felt strange in acknowledging that openly and still walking away, I headed over to the checkout, loaded up my items, and off I went to THE grocery store for my final stop of the day. My entire drive over I was thinking to myself, stupid sally, but still knowing I just couldn’t do it today and I was also worked up going to the grocery store.

I parked my car and was feeling a little weary as I was heading back to the very place where my encounter with the surgeon had happened the week before, but I was on my A (ok, my B) game and I totally had this ready to head in/head out after grabbing just a few items needed for the week.  I was  walking up to the front of the store and past the glass windows when all of a sudden “knock, knock, knock”……I am think you have got to be kidding me!!! If I look up at that window and see my breast surgeon I am going to crawl back in my car and will live off of chips and fanta from the gas station the rest of my life. You have never seen someone so grateful to look up and see their next door neighbors and their smiling faces staring back. Hugs, catching up, hugs, and off I go in search of the few items I need, trying to be as quick as possible to get back home. Finally I am done with the super short list, and I’m off to grab my last item in the freezer section when I open the freezer door and am so embarrassed to have bumped the freezer door into the cart that has just pulled up next to me.

“Oh my goodness, I am so sorry….”

The exact same Christmas Red Jacket I had been running from at the 2 previous stores. “No problem at all” as she grabs the exact same sausage I just did and off she goes.

Now at that very moment I think to myself, “Ok, God, I get it.” 

And yet, I still grab my cart and turn and walk out the door. “Delayed obedience is still disobedience”, and in this case, “Disobedience is flat out Disobedience”.

I’ve been kicking myself ever since. I simply was in a funk that day and didn’t want the encounter, but I had been coming out of 3 very “in your face”, “Trust God’s Timing” moments, and I knew that I could put my faith in whatever and whomever he put in my path. Timing was very much on my radar, and I now had a 4^th encounter that I can’t even tell you what the outcome was to be, other than my disobedience. But as I had not yet put my 3^rd encounter to paper (screen), this 4^th encounter very much plays a role in just how much God is getting my attention in how timing is not haphazard. We can choose to see it His way, or we can choose to see it our way. It’s complete choice. But the ramification of choice are evident in many ways. 

There’s a boutique I like to go to every now and then and a few weeks ago I stopped in looking for a gift. It’s the holidays so I have been out shopping more so than usual. I stop in, find the perfect item, and head up to the counter, where a lovely lady stands helping the customer in front of me. They are chatting about this and that as they are ringing up the transaction. I notice the sales person has a lovely non-southern American accent (maybe Caribbean or Latin?) that I couldn’t quite place and a very hospitable personality with her guests. She has a flare for sales, but in a way that made you comfortable in your skin, and I’m quite positive that no matter what you purchase she’s going to leave you feeling fabulous. So immediately, you love her.  She’s confident in her craft and translates that back over the counter in a way that you find it seep its way back into you. So when the customer in front of me tidied up and I find myself in front of her, I find myself standing in front of her with a huge grin on my face.

Sales clerk: “Hello, welcome to Sequins (as we will call). Did you find everything you were looking for?”

Myself: “Yes, thank you.”

Sales clerk: “This color is going to look terrific on you with your hair color.”

I find that she is studying my face a little longer than usual as she is folding up the garment.

Sales clerk: “I’m sorry for staring. I think I know you from somewhere. Have we met before?”

Myself: “I don’t think so, but maybe…”

 (Immediately, I’m in tune because, well…this is not my first time to this rodeo) 

Sales clerk: “Do you happen to go to such and such?”

Myself: “No, I go to such and such.”

Myself: “No, Haven’t been there. I work at ___. Do you go there?”

Sales clerk: “No, how about?” (And once she said that I immediately knew.)

Myself: “No, but did you happen to know, Andy M.? He’s my brother.”

Her eyes got as wide as saucers, and I could tell the life was sucked out of her and she didn’t exactly know how to respond. It was as if she wanted to climb into the bag into which she was now placing the shirt I had just purchased and never come out again.

Sales Clerk: “Oh ma’am, I am so sorry. I didn’t know him very well, but I knew him enough to know that I am so sorry I brought all of this up and I guess I am recognizing you from all the pictures on social media from his story.”

She was terribly mortified she had brought this up, and I could tell immediately I had two choices here. I could feel the heartbreak I was feeling in that one moment of suddenly remembering my brother, or I could have this moment to have grace and mercy with this women who loosely knew my brother, was impacted by his story, is now mortified at recognizing me, and so very worried she has ruined my day.

Myself: “I could not be more delighted to meet you. I am Sally. I can’t tell you what it means to me to have this connection with you now (truth). Thank you for speaking up when you recognized me.”

And we finished up with our stuff, discussed a few more things, and I headed out to finish out my day.

As I climbed back in my car I sat for a few minutes staring at the windshield. This was the first time in 2 years I had come across someone in public who knew my brother, but didn’t also know me. I knew it would happen at some point. The awkward moment of “you know the story, I know the story, but we don’t know each other” I never knew how that would play out, but I knew it would have an impact on me and it did. And it would also bond us. It did. You know in a way that knowledge of a deep rooted story, trauma, loss, love, success, whatever. Those things bond you. But knowledge of those on great levels, can really bond you.

I now very much love walking into this store and seeing Rebecca. We are casual when we see each other. I don’t even know if she recalls me being “that story” or whatnot because I haven’t brought it back up (I’ve only seen her twice since and very briefly). But Rebecca on the other hand is grounded in my soul and a story in my healing. I don’t know if she listened to God’s prompting in saying “hey, I think I know you” but I do know it was God’s timing in placing us just so.

And I am acutely aware that there were 3 encounters with a very specific red jacket that I knowingly (and rather disobediently in my awareness) passed by last week. What if I was to be grounded in her soul? What if she needed healing? What if God simply needed me to obey? What if?

Take off the headphones. Look at your surroundings. Be purposeful in your listening and be present in your environment. We are not haphazard marbles bumping into each other by happenstance. We are God’s purposeful encounters waiting to unfold by him placing us exactly so and us choosing to play out what if. Who needs you to do your part? Who needs you to choose to be present? Who needs you to make yourself aware that you have a part in all of this? Simply ask yourself “What if” and just see all the possibilities of where that can go.






You can access previous posts HERE.

November 28, 2018 - And I hope to NEVER see any of you again!

I had scanned the 12+ training sessions trying to find one that was going to fit into my schedule, around meetings, on a day of the week I could get across campus and back in a time, that would sandwich into the rest of the day’s expectations. That one wouldn’t work because I had a meeting immediately after the end time that wouldn’t allow a quick enough return. And that one wouldn’t work because of the overlap with the other meeting. That one wouldn’t work because on the start time. GRRR! This was a horrible week to try to fit something in! Wednesday at noon was just going to have to work so I slapped it on my calendar and called it done. However, when Wednesday finally rolled around over a month later, I was slammed unexpectedly with a project deadline so I quickly went back to the scheduling system to see if I could reschedule. Yep, multiple classes later in the week still had vacancies, but the disclaimer at the bottom read “if you need to make modifications, please call 555-5555 for more information.” Pick up the phone…..”thank you for calling, blah, blah, blah, blah” Voicemail x 3. Ok, forget it, Sally, go to this class and come back afterwards and plan on staying late to work on the time sensitive project you are leaving on your desk.  I gathered my stuff together begrudgingly, swiftly walked across campus because I pushed my time too much, and headed into the building where I was instructed to get into a line according to last name. There, I was randomly handed a letter card instructing me which classroom to head to so that each class room would contain the same number of students and off I went.

As I was late, the room was practically full with only 3 seats left so I picked the one closest to the front, but on the far side of the room next to the wall as it felt more “out of the way” and incognito. Most of you don’t know this about me, but there is nothing I hate more than walking into a room of strangers (or even a room where I know every single person). I’m fine about 15 minutes after I get there, but the first 15 minutes leave me in turmoil as I internally feel like the small marshmallow trying to find my spot in the overcrowded hot cocoa cup. All I could think about was crossing the front of the room and getting to my chair since I could tell the class was about to start up.

The room was set up with about 10 rectangle tables, 4-6 people at each, so we were all facing each other at each table. I very quickly leaned down to place my bag under my chair and grab the book and paper out of it and then did a quick scan of the room to see if I could find a kindred spirit I knew, but as I knew I would at an institution this large, I knew no one….until the voice in the chair directly across the table from me said….

 “Hey, I think I know you from somewhere….”

I looked up and across the table expecting to see a former coworker who I somehow didn’t see in my initial scan but then I realized I recognize absolutely nothing. She was summer blond with her hair pulled back, and she sported a grin that covered her entire face. Equally as welcoming was the southern accent she spilled out of the grin. She was wearing the required nursing ensemble so I at least knew her occupation, but still, there was no recognition from what I was seeing at first glance.

“Ok, let’s see if we can figure this out” I said.

I asked a few questions: Where did you go to high school? College? Church? None of which shed any light on how she might have recognized me.

Then she, being smarter than I started with the more obvious of questions: Which department do you work for? What do you do? How long have you worked here? All of which I answered and that still shed no light.

Then, with the swiftness of a tsunami wave crashing over land, she says “Oh my goodness, I think I did your cardiac echo last Spring!!!!” Now at that moment the 3 other people sitting at the table turn and look at her like she has lost her mind (I later find our they are her colleagues), and I immediately get this rush of facial recognition, and holy moly you have got to be kidding me, and a little I want to fly out of the room and into a hole, all rolled into one. Without hesitation her colleague looks over and says “Jackie (as we will call her), you do like 12 echocardiograms a day and this was back in May, how in the world do you remember her?” Jackie and I just looked at each other and start laughing.

Now, I’m about to divulge to you one of my most humiliating moments. I might should have done it before now for the sake of full disclosure in the things that may take place when you are post radiation and post mastectomy/reconstruction (you need to be both for this all to unfold). But at the time, I just wanted it done with and writing has been a bit elusive for me for a bit since my brother’s death. But in light of Post #1 of the trilogy (See “Cheese, Anyone?” post from earlier this week) and God most certainly pointing out to me the role of “his timing” as this trilogy has all happened in about a 3 week time span, I am aware sometimes you put your humility aside when God is most apparently putting something on your plate. So I am putting my big girl pants on and putting some of this story out there for you.

Back in April and May, I realized it was time (well about 10 years past time) for me to start initiating some of my cardiology workup. When you had exposure to as much chest and abdomen radiation as I had, you are at higher risk for cardiac complications (valvular fibrosis, autonomic dysfunction, etc.). I had already started the pulmonary workup 2 years prior because of my pulmonary issues, but had neglected doing my full cardiac workup that was recommended for this time point post radiation. So I decided it was finally time to get going with it all. I scheduled an appointment with the oncologic cardiac guru, who in turn wanted to do a stress Echo and ultrasound. Now before you sit there and think to yourself “hey, I have had a stress echo”, well I am sure you have. And before you think to yourself “hey, I have had a stress cardiac ultrasound”, well I am sure you have. But have you combined the two and also been a mastectomy reconstruction patient? This is where the humility all comes to play. Sit back, grab your popcorn and cocoa, and let me help you picture this.

I arrive to the hospital for my appointment where I was scheduled for the 30 minute procedure. I go in, get registered and sit in the waiting room for only a few short minutes before the most delightful cardiac technician who was a summer blond with her hair pulled back, sporting a grin that covered her entire face, called out my name using a equally as welcoming southern accent that spilled out of the grin (Sound familiar to you?). We walk down a long hallway to a super dark private room that holds a very cold looking exam table, a high tech tread mill, an ultrasound machine, a blood pressure machine, and some extra gadgets I don’t recall now, and then “Jackie” very kindly asks me to disrobe from the waist up (what????) while she runs out to get something. Well since she asks me so nicely….Then Jackie is back in in no time flat and starts asking me a few (a whole heck of a lot) of questions about my medical history all while she attaches electrodes all over my chest. At the end of this, I am clothed from the waist down, Necked (naked) from the waist up, covered with sticky patches and cords everywhere which all lead back to an EKG machine next to me. I was allowed to put on a “gown” to maintain my dignity (but it has to stay open in the front; so I ask myself what’s the point) because Sally is about to run on a treadmill. Are you picturing this? Running on a treadmill, necked, covered in all this stuff, all while wearing a blood pressure cuff to monitor my blood pressure response to what is happening (oh, I can promise it is up because I am about to run Necked from the waist up, on a treadmill). In comes another Nurse, we will call “Heather” to take baseline vitals, which no doubt are all kinds of out of whack because Sally is about to do what? Run necked on a treadmill covered in cords.  (Sally switches to third person because that is the only way Sally can get through this story).

Ok, next comes the “trial ultrasound” before Sally gets on the treadmill to see what is baseline for the heart function. Well low and below, because Sally has implants, the ultrasound can’t see Sally’s heart because the implants are in the way creating a “blackout”. So Jackie calls out to get “Sylvia” as we will call her to place an IV line, so she can inject an “IV dye” which will highlight the heart silhouette better so everyone can maybe see Sally’s heart.

So there is Sally, And Jackie, And Sylvia, (and Heather? Where is Heather?) all gathered around the ultrasound machine trying to see Sally’s heart around her implants before Sally gets on the treadmill….necked. No luck. Still can’t see the heart.

“Hey Sally, I really hate to ask you this, but do you think you could hold up your implant a little bit so I could maybe put the probe under it?”  

“Well of course, Jackie, I can do that!” - at which put Sally busts out laughing because what else can Sally do and all of a sudden there is a tiny view of Sally’s heart on the screen.

“Sally, do that again!”

“Do what again?”

“Laugh”

“Laugh????”

“Yes, Laugh!”

So now Sally has to hold up her implant and laugh so that her implant it out of the way and her heart is pushed up against her chest wall (this happens during laughter) all after (and while?) running necked on a treadmill.

And THAT is what we do. Sally gets on the treadmill, and does her required stress test wearing a blood pressure cuff while necked from the waist up on the treadmill with 3 other people in the room. Flies back to the exam table at lightning speed. Sylvia injects IV contrast. Sally rolls over on her left side and lifts up her implant and laughs on command while Jackie places the probe in various positions, Sally continues to laugh on command, and Jackie continues to take heart pictures, and Sally is mortified all while envisioning sugar plums dancing in her head. But everyone makes the best of it, joking about the hilarity of it all, and become fast a furious friends despite the calamity.

(Are you starting to see maybe why Jackie remembered Sally out hundreds of patients 5 months later?)

Now let me say, you could not have asked for a better Jackie and Sylvia and Heather in all of this. They were professional, wonderful, incredible, and cut up with me because that is how I roll to get through this kind of stuff. Sometimes not only do you have to put you big pants on to write stuff down in a form of advocacy, sometime you have to put your big pants on just to get through it at all.

Finally, after what I’m remembering to be a 2 hour appointment, after what should have been 30 minutes, I gather my sanity about me, hug their necks, and say “I hope to NEVER see any of you again.”

And instead, what do I do? I sign up for a class of which there were like 12 time slots to choose from, and get assigned to a classroom of which there were like 6 I could have “randomly” been assigned to, and sit in a chair in which there were 50+ everyone else got to pick from, across from Jackie who told me to run necked on a treadmill, hold up my implant, and laugh.

I’m quickly learning that “hey, I think I know you from somewhere….” means God is about to do something only he can do in His timing. There isn’t a single moment in your day, particularly if another person is in your presence, where if you are a Christ follower, that God hasn’t purposely placed you there for that specific moment. There was so much that had to come together for me and Jackie to end up in those chairs together. I can’t tell you how many people take those classes over how many days in how many classrooms over how many times a year. And how many technicians could have been assigned to my Echo case on that given day? God knew exactly what he was doing. And he knew I needed both Jackie, and Sylvia (who also had a double mastectomy with reconstruction with the exact same breast surgeon “LPS” as we discovered in my Echo session – tell me that was a coincidence), and Heather for the care and humor they would bring in one of my worst of humiliating moments. I remember lying on that table thinking, what would this be like had I had anyone else in that room other than these wonderful gals who made the best of it with me?! I don’t know that meant I needed to run into them again in a public setting per se, but God knew exactly what he was doing in that as well for in that came a lesson in trust for me. Trust God and his timing. I’m having some cardiac stuff going on right now. I wouldn’t be surprised if Jackie and I meet again soon in her cardiac room. I didn’t know that when we were in the training course together, but now I know her name (I had forgotten it) and can ask for her if I need to. The reasons are numerous as to why God may have purposed our paths to meet. I’m trusting his timing and he is drilling that in to me right now. 

You do that too, for I am learning in doing that, He has incredible in store for you too.

(This above was the first story of my trilogy, although they are being told out of order. When this first encounter happened, it didn’t quite have my attention until after the second Boutique story which you soon will hear.)




To see the first post in this trilogy click here (Cheese, Anyone?)

November 25, 2018 - Cheese, anyone?

For those of you who started following me in 2012 because of double mastectomy content, you are wondering what in the world has happened. Well life happened, as life should. There is life after double mastectomy. Life is just as full and abundant, though marginally tweaked after prophylactic mastectomy as it was before. Houses still get sold, jobs still transition, travels still get taken, and what you thought was your most defining moment may still be, or it may have been replaced with something other. There is so much content that could be written about prophylactic mastectomy. I spent 6 years writing. Mainly because I spent 6 years in the ins and outs of its’ tightly wound snare. My last procedure was 2 years ago, October, when I had a “lump” removed, a lump which turned out to be a folded up piece of reconstruction sling, a lump which I now rather think of as a pebble since I know what it is and because it returned about 6 months ago. It’s been 2 years since I have seen my plastic surgeon (referred to as “Lead Plastic Surgeon (LPS)” for anonymity). Well, 2 years ago until today when he bear hugged me in the GROCERY STORE…..

Now, let’s get something straight. LPS and I have a unique surgical relationship. We work in the same institution and on occasion I run into LPS in the hallway or at the elevator, but we have always made it a point to feign ignorance given we are often with other people and it is not kind to call out “Hey, Sally, It's me, your boob surgeon” while Sally is in her work setting, or any setting for that matter. But it has been 2 years since a chance encounter given LPS relocated to another institution. Deep breath in. Deep breath out. High five in celebration now that I no longer needed his services and most certainly not his chance encounters! But aside from that, most women who have undergone prophylactic mastectomy and reconstruction have met with their surgeon a total of 3 or 4 times. Once before the surgery for consultation, the day of the procedure, and maybe 1 or 2 times again at follow-up appointments depending on the extent of their surgery. But I on the other hand, I would wager I have met with LPS upwards of 40 times (and that could easily be an underestimation) given we have had 7 surgeries together in a 6 year time span. He’s seen me through a good bit and suffered through a good bit as well. When we first met, he was your typical stereotypical standoffish surgeon. I will never forget our first encounter where I very quickly realized I was going to have pray and offer some “behavior modification” for his bedside manner. I quickly got to work as I have always had the thought process that if someone is going to be cutting on you, you want them to think of you as their best friend. So off I went to make that happen. Ron used to laugh at our interactions (or maybe cry in embarrassment on occasion), but when 1 surgery turns to 7, you find you have plenty of time to grow on each other. I can only imagine what countless ridiculous things he has heard me utter under anesthesia. I know there were multiple scary times for me that he was there seeing me through it. I recall one moment in the operating room when they were having a difficult time putting me under, and I was getting a little anxious. LPS reached out and grabbed my hand to calm my nerves. I could never have seen that happen with that first encounter. But this was now our surgeon. This is also the same surgeon who in the middle of a lumpectomy procedure to figure out what a new “lump” was in my breast, LPS, Ron and I kept bantering back plausible options (tracking device, junior mint, leftover popcorn from the previous surgery, etc) to pass the time. It’s all to say we’ve had plenty of time to bond and bond we have. But in the countless times I have seen LPS in the work setting at the elevator (collateral damage of working at the same place where you surgery), or in the countless surgical and office visits, I have never once run into him or anyone else for that matter in my home space. But there I was picking out the shredded cheese for the taco dinner and wham! A surprise approach hug from the peripheral side and LPS is staring at me 6 inches from my face with me fumbling cheese into my cart all while Ron is laughing, as I am sure he is trying to figure out just how wide my eyes can get. 

After I gathered my wits about me (ok, I never gathered my wits about me as you will see), I first had to know the following and it was the first thing I recall coming out of my mouth: “What in the world are you doing here? Do you live close by?” because if he did, I certainly had to move. Now delighted as I was to see him, I certainly didn’t want these chance encounters, me unprepared, to keep occurring. It was vital that I quickly calculated statistical analysis to see what was in my favor and what was not.

You need to understand this. There is something strange about running into people from your traumatic moments in “off” places at “off” times. I am certainly prepared to possibly see these people at the office water fountain or in the hallways reading over a patient chart. I prepare myself for these moments. I know to be on the lookout and to avert my glance when the target is encountered. These are moments you prep yourself for from the moment the boob is inserted. But I had gone a full 2 years with coast clear only to find him, the one person who has seen more of you than you want someone to see on so many occasions, in the dairy section of MY grocery store! Now as my family member said “I am sure he was so glad to see you”….he definitely was. He and Ron had a terrific time catching up (he knows us so well that he knows Ron as well as he knows me), but I was amazed at just how off guard this encounter caught me. After the 10 minutes of standing amongst all the dairy catching up, I realized just how much I was rambling about the most ridiculous of things. At one point, he reached into his wallet and pulled out his business card, at which point I gasped and said something like “what in the world do you think you are doing!” He laughed, as did Ron. But I did NOT want that business card and said there is no way you are ever seeing me again (did he not know 7 surgeries was 6 too many?).  More rambling about Sally cutting trees, and holiday plans, and his kids now grown up, and the now returned “pebble” he once removed and a lot more of Sally rambling about who knows what then tackle hugs again and a goodbye. And then, I stood there looking at Ron as if we had just entered outer space.

Ron and I somehow managed to finish out our grocery list with me rushing him along worried what other surgeon (I had 2 other viable options who I also on occasion run into at the office; though LPS had the longest track record with 7 surgeries compared to 1 and 2 for the others) I was going to run into in the time we had left in the freezer section. Then, I spent the entire car ride home wondering what in the world just happened. I was supposed to go to the OTHER grocery store. We had debated what TIME to go to the grocery store. Ron and I had divided up the grocery list and Ron went for napkins while I went for CHEESE. LPS doesn’t even LIVE anywhere near this grocery store. What in the world was I muttering the entire time we were talking?! Two years now feels like 2 weeks, and when is my next appointment with him?

WHAT IS GOING ON?!

In a spit of a moment everything can come flying back at you while you are picking out the best deal on shredded cheese. And because you know that everything had to line up for you to be at that grocery store, at that very moment, standing in that very spot for a person from your very significant past who has no business being in that very spot at that given time to be there too….well, you learn to trust God and his timing and his purpose. I have no idea why we were to run into LPS this week. I have no idea why I slipped back into a temporary traumatic state (trust me I did and was there for the rest of the day). I have no idea why things unfolded like they did. I have no idea why the one surgeon on the planet that everyone told me to avoid, became the best surgical thing that could happen for me in the end and was someone Ron and I now bear hug in a grocery store. But I do know this, I trust that God is purposing all of that, including this random cheese visit where I somehow made it home with FIVE packs of cheese, for a very specific reason.

Mastectomy is something I very I rarely think about it these days. But in a single second of a tackle hug over some shredded cheese I was right back in a moment. I don’t have to understand it, but I do have to trust it. God very purposely aligned my grocery list to have cheese #12 on the list and Napkins #11. I was not supposed to be at that grocery store at that time.  It most certainly didn’t happen by happenstance. I don’t know why we were supposed to meet, but I do know it dug some stuff up for a day, and I also know it was a great to see him. But maybe it had nothing to do with me at all. Maybe LPS needed to see us.

But this is what I want you to take away:

1) Trust God in his timing when the strange happens. There is purpose in it so let it unfold and see where it goes. You may not understanding it immediately or ever for that matter. You also need to understand it may have absolutely nothing to do with you.

2) Traumatic moments can resurface with no notice at all. Don’t let it surprise you and just process it as it comes. If you are a woman of mastectomy, even many years later something may occur that brings it all back. Just let the thoughts flow as they flow. It can be therapeutic. And eat the cheese you just bought to help with that. Wink.  

3) If the plastic surgeon tries to hand you their business card…..simply walk away.

While we are talking about God’s strange timing, a few weeks ago I walked into a training class of 70 strangers and sat down at a table of 6. The young lady directly across the table, who I would be partnered with for the next 3 hours, looks up at me and says, I know you from somewhere…..probably one of the most embarrassing moments of my post radiation life just found herself sitting at the table across from me. Trust me you will want to hear this story.

And last week, while paying for an item at the boutique, another young lady says I think I know you from somewhere. She did, but not in the way she thought, she knew the story of my brother.

You want to hear these related stories. Trust His timing. He has you exactly where he wants you when he wants you there. Carry your story with you and you just may be surprised everywhere it will go.

Cheese, anyone?

You can access previous posts HERE.

June 24, 2018 - The Change

I’m going through The Change. I’m hot, I’m flustered, I’m shifting from one emotion to the next without the advanced noticed as required by version 24 of McCollum Household Policy and Procedure. There are moments when a cold sweat would ensue, but that has abated itself, and instead I’m just aware of a “mental hot” when I think of its presence. I knew it was coming. You can only sit so long with both feet against the door frame holding it back, though believe me that mentally I’ve been trying, but somehow it has a way of finding you.  And there isn’t a single thing you can do. So here I sit. Hot, flustered, emotional. Navigating The Change.

But before you get all wide eyed, wondering why Sally is sitting here talking about THAT change, (but remember, I am the one who plastered your screen with lopsided Boob 1 and Boob 2.2 for the case of advocacy, maybe menopause deserves its own point of advocacy, so stay tuned a few years down the road) that’s not what I am referring to.  

We spend our whole lives, some of us, trying to keep everything exactly as is, because that is where we find our comfort, our “teddy bear and blankie” if I may. Though there are a few of you, who I completely don’t understand, who go around looking for it (The Change) in some constant rally of adventure and pursuit of ongoing unexplainable delight, but trust me, I’m not you. I’m me. And I avoid this ridiculous uprooting of all you know to be familiar, cozy, and warm at all cost. But somehow, despite a desperate attempt at avoidance, change has been sneaking up on me with its long decrepit hand inching its way across my peripheral vision until SPLAT….it has wrapped itself around my thick ankle and taken hold. 

“Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change.” - Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, Frankenstein

See, Mary said so, you change adventure chasers, you! What is wrong with you?! I certainly don’t mind a little shift in scenery here and there. I have been known to walk in my house and move a picture from this wall to that wall to switch things up a little bit on occasion. I’ve even switched out my mantel décor just this weekend to spoof things up a bit. But I am also the same person who in graduate residency had coworkers who velcroed everything to her desk simply so things would always be found exactly where they need to be. The joke was on them. I loved it!  I’m not afraid to say I like things just so. It keeps my mind high functioning and results in high output, mostly to your favor. So when I find myself in an unanticipated, particularly if not so delightful, Big Ole Bucket of the Change (BOBOC)….Well, it sets my world in a tilt-a-world, per se. 

It first started with us uprooting our house (ok it started with Mastectomy, and there is a whole blog covering that so I won’t bring it here) unexpectedly because God sometime does “the crazy” from human perspective and changes your plans. Well, home is home.  And it’s one place that for me sets orbit back to orbit when things go haywire. There is a reason it is called “home” after all. I didn’t understand leaving it, I simply understood I was supposed to leave it. And not only leave it, but leave it with nowhere yet to go, and no assurance of a timeline for it to be replaced. Yet when God calls you from something, He in the process is also calling you to something. And He knew, while I was hot, flustered, and emotionally stirred, that he was calling me to Home.

“…you start to love this house not so much for all the ways it is perfect in that for all the ways it is not. You become familiar with all its nooks and crannies. How to avoid that the key gets stuck in the lock if it is cold outside. Which floorboards have some give when you step on them, and exactly how to open the doors for them not to creak. That's it, all the little secrets that make it your home."  - Fredrik Backman, A Man Called Ove

Much like embracing a new home, such is embracing The Change. 

“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.” – John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

Barely a year later came Andy’s death. And to say that was change would be the understatement of the century. I’ve been through few experiences in life previous, that have influenced me greater, revealed myself deeper, or made me long for the day before more earnestly than that moment. That singular experience has catapulted me into a long-term suspension in a lava lamp of change. It’s not all bad, it’s not all good. It’s simply all meshed together into all something. We are a conglomeration of all of our previous experiences and they all mold us into this beautiful blob of being, but I am a constant believer in knowing that those experiences aren’t meant for our being but for that of knowing and experiencing God in a richer and deeper way so that others might also. John Green had it partly right. Grief did change me, but hopefully it revealed not only me, but Him in me. I know this to be true, there were days where I didn’t know up from down, and it was only by Christ in me that I was able to orient myself in the not stop flow of the lava lamp.

Nothing ever really felt “still” following Andy’s death. The lava bubbles continued to bobble in slow motion, pinging themselves off the glass wall, traveling up and back down again over and over in the thick gooey liquid. So when my parents, quickly followed by my sister, both decided it was time to sale their houses and move, The Change swooshed right in again full speed with it’s hot flashes and palpitations of unease. No one seemed to understand that this was the very moment that we needed the familiarity of familiarity (well, that Sally needed the familiarity of familiarity) and that change was everything I was trying to avoid. I so desperately needed life to stay exactly as it was, minus the removal of my brother as I needed that to revert back to the day before. 

“Change is hardest at the beginning, messiest in the middle and best at the end.” - Robin S. Sharma, The Leader Who Had No Title: A Modern Fable on Real Success in Business and in Life

But a few weeks after the decision was made, and the pieces all started falling into place (as they always do), what was so hard at the beginning, began to morph into this incredible awareness that maybe change while it may not be what you think you need, may in fact be exactly what someone else may need. And because you love them, you start to see things through the eyes of those around you and it becomes exactly what you need as well. 

People always say The Change is a sign of life starting the downhill slope. It’s as if life has come full circle. Other say The Change is an incredible start of a new beginning. I’ve learned in this life that with every situation, The Change is entirely what you want it to be. And it is entirely up to you what you do with and through it. Often it feels like we are in the washing machine of life with life happening all around and to us out of our control, with us being tossed and turned in it’s constant bombardment (I’ve spoken of that before here. March 23,2017), and I most certainly have felt the rivets of that here of late the past 10 years, ok maybe 40 years. But then there are those moments in life where we choose The Change, instead of change happening to us. 

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be…I hope you have the courage to start all over again.” - Eric Roth, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button Screenplay

For the past almost 20 years I have focused my career in one area, and in a few short days I am walking away from that. To say that is inducing all the signs and symptoms of The Change, “hot flashes, flustered moments, and unusual shifts in emotions”, would be an understatement.  

"It's not hard to decide what you want your life to be about. What's hard, she said, is figuring out what you're willing to give up in order to do the things you really care about."  -Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way

But when you know something to be the right next steps, and when you know it’s time to choose balance, positive input, and emotional security, sometimes you do the crazy and you dive off the deep end. I’m taking what seemingly would be a career catapult downward from some’s perspective, and a career catapult upward from others, and yet a career net neutral from others. A career change can bring about perspectives. The Changes have shown me what my life is to be about, and sometimes you have to give up things in order to do life better. So therefore, from my perspective I’m saving it (my career) by giving it up which in some ways is saving myself and allowing me to do better what matters. 

So I’m starting over. The details of what I am doing don’t matter. It’s similar, yet different. Scary, yet exciting.  But I am leaving what I dearly love to do more of what I love. And I’m peaceful.

Maybe Andy leaving us so early got me thinking. Maybe circumstances bred new circumstances. Maybe seeing that there is life after loss, showed me that I can do anything. Maybe seeing that change is going to happen no matter how hard we fight it, showed me I can also proactively orchestrate change. I’m not a mountain mover. I’m not someone out there trying to change the world. I’m built for the small scale. But I am someone who desperately wants this life to be about something bigger than myself. I want to make your life more beautiful simply because you knew me, and therefore you get a glimpse of Him through me. 

"There is nothing more beautiful than someone who goes out of their way to make life beautiful for others."  - Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

I’m going through The Change. Maybe you are too. Or maybe you want to or need to. Life is too short and too dear to keep fighting our way through and in the gooey lava lamp. What do you need to change to make life more rich in the way He has planned for you? Where do you need to be open to change so that you can free yourself up more for the people around you? How do you need to embrace The Change already happening around you and to you so that You can see the God in a new light? 

It’s not what you do that matters, it’s how, why, and for whom you do it.  – Maybe it was me or Someone, somewhere

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”- God, Joshua 1:9

You can access previous posts HERE.